Sunday, November 27, 2005

Time Machine

My Husband asked me today if I could go back to when we first met and started our lives together, knowing what is happening now and how our life has been, would I do it again. I thought about it, and here is my answer....

If I could go back to Jan, 2000, YES I would still go out with him, yes I would still have my beautiful kids. BUT YES I would do things differently. First I would make sure that I did not blow off nursing school, Even though I was Pregnant with Austin, had a full time job I would still try my hardest to get through nursing school. Second I would have never chose to stay home, DO NOT get me wrong, I LOVE being able to be home with my precious boys, but because of me staying home, not working, not bringing in money, it has a big part in what our lives are like now. So yes I do blame myself for some of why things are not going good in our marriage and family now. I have also become so dependent on my husband. I hardly have any contact with the outside world, no friends etc. This is my fault. So yes if I could go back into time knowing what I know now, I would have done things different. I think this would have made me stay the strong girl I was back then. Now I feel like I do not matter, I am weak and far from strong.

I am not going to go into detail here about our problems, but it is not looking good. He wants to have "His" life to do what he wants and I want what's best for my kids. I have put 150% in to this but it's not working.

Anyways I don't even know why I posted this :( I just really have no one to talk to and it feels good to let it out.

Nikki

4 comments:

  1. I'm normally a lurker on your blog... I found you through LM, and our lives are so very similar that I find myself coming back again and again to see how you're doing.

    I felt compelled to comment on you latest entry, because I went through this same situation with my husband a few years ago.

    We got prenant and married very young. We were both working, but had very little money coming in, so we had no social life whatsoever. My co-workers were either younger or older than me, and we didn't do anything outside of work. I spent the first four years of my marriage either at home, at work, or at my MIL's house. The same for DH. We were miserable a lot of the time.

    In the fifth year, we both got better jobs, and moved. We had more money coming in, and still only had one child. I started meeting people at work and wanting to "do" things with my new friends. DH had his sports, which he did on a regular basis, but I had nothing outside of my house and kids. And as soon as I suggested I might want more, he began laying a guilt trip on me about how I needed to focus on the family... that taking care of the kids should be the most important thing in my life, and how could I even think of taking time away from them? And no way were our kids going to be kept by a babysitter. And yet, if I suggested he wasn't spending enough time with us, he told me that he needed to "let off steam".

    I bought it for two years. I let him guilt me into doing nothing for myself. He went on, played his sports, and had his "outside" activites, and I sulked in the house, becoming more and more miserable.

    Then we moved again and had another child. And my oldest found Girl Scouts. I finally had an excuse to spend time outside of the house and with adults that weren't my DH. It gave me courage to ask for more time, especially after I found scrapbooking and crops. DH tried to justify not giving me any "me" time by saying things like "What about all that time you spend with DD and her Girl Scouts"? But I began to realize that wasn't cutting it. After all, that was mother-daughter bonding time, not "me" time.

    Now in our 10th year of marriage, I finally sat down with him and we had a long talk. I explained to him that I needed time for myself... to refresh myself, "let off steam", and recharge my batteries. It took a lot of arguing back and forth, but he finally got it. And after I started going to crops and hanging out with my friends sometimes, he began to realize that I was a nicer person because of it. Nicer to him, nicer to the kids, and generally more pleasant to be around.

    Now he will come to ME, if it's been a while since my last "day out". and he'll ask if I have anything coming up or if I would like for him to watch the kids for a while so I can have a few hours by myself. We're a much happier household now, after 12 years, three kids, and a lot of trial and error. Not to say that I don't have to remind him now and again that he might be monopolizing too much time away, but he's nicer about giving in now.

    The only advice I can give you is to hang in there, try to talk it out and help him understand why you need your own friends and time to yourself, and hopefully it will all work out in the end for you. Big lurking hugs to you! - Jen

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  2. LOL, dh asked me a similar question on our 10 year anniversary, something about how the last 10 years have been and what the next 10 years would be like. My reply was that if the next 10 years are like the last 10 years (in financial struggles) no, I don't want to do it again. It's hard, I wish I had a looking glass into my future, but if I did, would I like what I saw, kwim? We just need to take control over our lives and make the best of it, with whatever resources we have, it's hard, I know!

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  3. All I can say is be sure the grass is greener ont he other side of the fence before you make the BIG choice. I divorced after a 14 yr marriage. I never worked and we were BROKE all the time(or so I thought). He apparently wasn't working late each night. He had friend's..

    I remarried 5 years later(now 8 years) and My marriage would be great if it weren't for trying to blend families together. WE get along great. He was married 2x before and has a 26 yr old Son he never saw(ex wife's decision)and never sees (son's fault now), 2 girls 14 and 16(now from 2nd marriage & Divorce) that were with their Biological mom's family when she got sick with Cancer and died at 32. They hated someone coming in and taking over for their dughter and bad mouthed me to the girls. Making it tough to blend our families. They very rarely contact the girls now and live just 30 minutes away. My MIL gave up seeing her son and granddaughters because she didn't agree with his 3rd marriege(nor the 1st or 2nd). MOn the other hand my ex was grateful my two now 23 & 25 daughters had a father figure while he was still finding himself 12 years after divorce at 45. I adopted my step daughters and it has been a nightmare ever since. I pray each day that we make it 3.5 more years until all are out of High School and out on their own(Hopefully). Hubby and I are ready for OUR TIME. I have been married since I was 16, and a Mom since 17. I never worked or got any college credits to help me out in life. I ended up divorced, working 3 jobs, 11 & 13 yr old girls, and very little time with them or for me.

    Plaese be sure your parting ways is the last choice. Your children do suffer longterm from it. On the other hand you can't stay for them only because they will sense the PROBLEMS. My ex chose not to go to counseling but I think it is very helpful.

    This is the worst time of year to be having those problems and they are highlighted much more during holidays. Be careful not to make any decisions until after the new year.

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