Saturday, July 23, 2005

3:00am and I can't sleep

I woke up about an hour ago, well when my husband decided to come home. I fell asleep with the boys at about 11:30 tonight, I fell asleep on the couch with my book, lol I had flashbacks of my parents waiting up for me as a teen, porch light on, dad with the TV on, mom with a book. This was pretty much me tonight, I get like that everytime my husband spends a late night with the boys. It was not suppose to be a night with the boys, actually I made plans with my husband at the start of the week for us to go out on a date (with the boys of course) I was thinking a dinner out somewhere, since we have moved to Idaho we have not had one date. Well he came home today talking about going out with his friends from work tonight. I was so hurt! I think this is what started my gloomy afternoon/night. I admit it, in a way I am GREEN with envy, jealous, I am jealous that he gets to go out, that he has friends, I am sad that I can't be with him. I was also hurt because of our broken plans. I tend to say really stupid things when I am upset too, which only makes things harder on me in the long run. YES I understand that my husband was only 20 when we got pregnant with our first son, I was 21. We were still very young, there are many things we missed out on. I lost all my friends because we lived totally different lives after that. My husband worked so hard for his new family (5 years later and he still works that hard) at one time he had three jobs at once just to help us get by. It's ALOT of money to raise a young family in CA. We were paying $750.00 a month for rent on a studio apartment. Utilities were about $350-$450 a month. My husband worked this hard so I could stay home and raise our kids, I will forever be grateful for that. It was my husbands Idea to move us to ID. We could have a wonderful apartment (to start out with, we plan to try and own a home some time in the future), a great community, great schools for the boys when it was time for them to go, just a better life. Although I was so upset to leave my family and his, I knew that this had to be the best thing for us. I can tell you now that this year has been one HUGE learning experience. We have had many ups and downs.

Tonight I needed to have a talk with my husband. I have felt so lost the past couple months. We have problems like any other marriage does, and we have done a darn good job getting through them. But tonight, him "ditching" me to go with his friends, brought out these emotions I was hiding deep down inside. When he got home tonight (2am) and woke me from my sleep, I let them out. Things that I had been thinking about,problems we have been having my feelings etc. I told him it felt like somewhere in the last 5 years I lost "Me", the person I use to be with the big hopes and dreams for her family and her future. I found her tonight. Although she may be different, she is still there. I also found something tonight that I thought I lost... My husbands love. YES I know he loves me, but I am talking about that love, that secure feeling, that emotional love, that love I felt 5 years ago. Lately (well since our talks a couple months ago about separation) I have felt down, like maybe the love is gone and this, what we have is just routine, something we were just use to. But after laying all of me (LOL Nikki "Raw" and very emotional) out there for him to see tonight, what I got back from him was amazing! Here I had thought so many things, like that he hated me spending all this time scrapbooking, trying to make something out of it, having my job be selling page kits on eBay and a couple special orders here and there, thinking he could careless and seemed pretty annoyed with it. Well let me tell you, tonight I was ready to give up everything, I thought this could be the reason things have been so rocky lately. He assured me it was not, that he thinks I am amazing with what I do, that he loves my eBay job, he wants me to do this, he said he knows this (for the most part lol) is what makes me happy, being able to do this and be home with the boys. It made me feel so good to hear him say these things, here I thought he did not care. Communication, that is the key and something we need to work on. We are still new at this, our family, our marriage, it has only been 5 years. With that said we have been through so much it actually feels like it's been 20 lol, (not in a bad way).

Okay I know I am rambling now, but had to come journal what I was thinking just now, while I was in bed looking at the lights pour in from the window and dance on the wall. This is fresh and what probably is keeping me from sleeping right now. Now that it is out, my eyes are beginning to feel like sandbags and I am getting so sleepy. I have lots to do tomorrow, grocery shopping, finish my kit and get started on that custom order of ppings again, I want to have that finished by the end of next week so I can have lots of time to work with my Stamp kit (DT stuff) from Wendi Speciale Designs.

Okay I am headed back to bed to cuddle with my husband and sleep, I will try to post tomorrow, not sure though, it will be a pretty busy day.

I hope you all have a wonderful day!

Nikki

4 comments:

  1. ((Hugs))

    if you ever need to talk I'm here. Marriage can be hard at times, but like you said you have to be able to talk.

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  2. hugs nikki i hope you got back to sleep and had a great day

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  3. Revelations often come when they are least expected. Enjoy the new found feelings.

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  4. I'm happy you were able to talk to your dh and get your feelings out. It's amazing how us women hold things in so much. Hugs to you!

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