Friday, July 22, 2005

Feeling like I am at the bottom of the totem pole today (or the week)

I feel like such a big fat loser today. I had a very hard reality check this week and my feelings are so hurt. And if the day or week can't get anyworse it does, over and over again like a knife stabbing me in my back, or like a record that keeps skipping to an anoying tune. Am I really cut out for all this? Someone very wise told me to be careful at how fast things happen, just take a step back and look around, remember who your friends are and who cares about you and who your associates are, to try and keep them seprate, well I guess instead of dipping my feet in I jumped. Who would have ever thought this hobby would bring me to tears, or make me feel so depressed sometimes, lol it's like a love hate relationship, some days I just love it and can't get enough, others I am ready to throw in the towel, It is nice to know others feel the same (I have read it in a few blogs lately). I realized today that I need to not let my feelings get involved, I need to stay level headed and be more professional and keep my relationships as a "work" relationship. I have learned so many things this week about how I carry myself, who I am and who people see me as and I also allow people to take advantage of me (I have always done this I guess). I need to sit back and think about what I want and what is going to be healthy for me, (I thought about quiting ebay tonight and actually getting a REAL outside the house job)because the way I have felt this week is not healthy, I have been depressed and moody, and lazy and eating like crazy and not getting things done that I should be! Again I think alot of it also has to be the amount of time I spend on the computer instead of working, my priorities should be first, which is my family, my work (ebay, DT's), then my scrapbooking. I have been spending LOTS of time with my family, but I need to spend more time working, I have sat here all week knowing I have lots of work todo but with all these things happening I have'nt done much.

Please good lord above let me get through this, with out anymore crying, headaches, upset feelings, please guide me in the direction I am meant to go in, I know that you did not send things my way unless you were sure I could handle them, you believe in me like I should be believing in myself, it is just a little hard to believe in myself when I feel like a tiny fish with no name swimming in a pond of fish with big names, more talent etc. We are treated differently.

Okay well I have to go, my husband decided it is his "night out with the guys" so I better get off the computer and work.

Night,

Nikki

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